Being a Inner Loving Parent??
Hi! I am here and have talked to a guy from yesterday that helped out a lot when i was struggling with a lot of feelings I was having from my past childhood having to do with my abuse I had. These very intense feelings come up in a rush of adrenaline and emotional pain and also very intense fear whenever I am around my roommate Tobiah. He has done some hurtful things to me and been abusive also in the past. So basically my inner child doesn't feel safe with me being around him. He doesn't feel safe enough that I can protect him if something happens. Like for example Tobiah acts out in an abusive way or uses an abusive tone with me. That is one of the main things that I learned yesterday talking with my friend Duncan. He's been in my 12 step program Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families for 25 years. This program I have found to be extremely helpful with my recovery from Complex PTSD. Becoming my own inner loving parent is and has been the single most challenging thing I have ever done in the past 20 years of my life. But it pays off very well. There is more peace of mind and more emotional stability. I have decided I am going to watch these three videos that a guy I saw speak the other night spoke on. I hope it will pay handsomely. I want to become a very awesome inner loving parent to my inner child.
Something Duncan said yesterday about becoming your own inner loving parent was that he first had to learn how to deal with the inner critic first before his inner children would come to his inner parent, before they felt safe enough. It made his inner parent stronger. I thought about that. He also asked me if I had or was being an inner critic to myself. I honestly had to think about that and came to the conclusion that there were some areas in which I hadn't been aware of that I think I was being a critical parent to myself. Like for one, pushing my inner children to work recovery too much. Like, I didn't have a stop button. There was no middle ground. But it also helped to make me become more aware of this lingering inner critic that just hangs around in my consciousness. Today I have started to notice it more, making me be more critical with myself , more judgmental on myself, and especially my inner children , and inner parent too. Almost forcing this inner parent part of me to force itself upon these inner children adding pressure on them to get better or get into recovery. I don't know, it's hard to describe. But I noticed that and once I noticed that I think my real inner loving parent immediately stopped doing that and shoved this critic part of myself aside and was like, "nope, not gonna go there!" Since then I have been more feeling relaxed and had a really nice inner loving parent/inner child session actually typing it on my mood check in on the app Calm. I was very honest. Telling my inner child that I loved him, that I would hold his hand when he had feelings that were too much and that he needed to let out, that this here was a safe place for him to express his anger and pain with me, and that he didn't need to be afraid. This inner child part of me really needed to hear these words and there was a lot of emotion and tears started to flow down my cheeks. It was like he really had needed to hear that. Something he never got from any parent or maybe anyone in his entire life about these feeling he was having at the time. I must have repeated "I love you" to him 3 or 4 times. It was very healing. I am feeling proud of him and myself.
I am on step one in ACA and want to do the rest of the questions. They require some research and digging, which I think I am afraid to do. Which is okay. I will get around to it when I feel safe to do it. All in good time. As for now I want to be a really strong inner loving parent. Who can protect my inner child and help him feel safe inside. He needs that and deserves that. I'll write some more tomorrow about other stuff hopefully, that I have been going through. Thanks for reading this if you have. and please feel free to comment!