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  • Tobach Nigh

I have been through a lot in the past 8 months

Updated: Oct 23, 2020

5-15-2019

I have been through a lot in the past 8 months since I got out of rehab. I had to admit I was hearing voices or even disconnected - thoughts appearing as voices to me inside of my head. It was all very scary. The psych diagnosed me with schizoaffective disorder along with PTSD instead of (my opinion) CPTSD (the c standing for complex). I looked up voices and PTSD one day and it came up with CPTSD and they talked about having parts dissociated from oneself that could act as "voices". Then much later a guy in a chat room who was designated as some sort of PTSD helper, told me that my diagnosis was commonly given to those who actually had CPTSD and it was a misdiagnosis, which helped to alleviate my fears. I did not want to have another mental illness that was a permanent! One where I could not get better from it. With Schizoaffective disorder it was like I was getting diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia or something of that nature and I really didn't like that at all, as my brother has this illness (Schizophrenia) and it is not a pretty one (another story to get into at a later time). I spent a lot of time to myself reading the bible here at my house and talking to friends who really cared about me and were great listeners. They loved me unconditionally and didn't pressure me to change or get better. I didn't need to do anything to appease them or jump through hoops or anything of that sort. They just stood by my side and loved me as I was going through this very dark period of my life, this season. I had recently broken up with my girlfriend. It was heart wrenching and quite devastating in many respects. I lost a friend. I lost a lot. I won't go into details as It is either far too painful or I lack the maturity and clarity to write about it yet.

So it was just me God and these voices "detached" hearing them far off in the distance. Sometimes they could be of little children or of me as a child, a child's voice, voicing it's opinion. Saying, "No!!" to something I wanted to do that would be harmful to my emotional and spiritual development, like watching porn for example...I had to go through all these different parts of myself, and still do, but back then I was fragmented and so fragile.

Rage frequented my doorstep almost every night (my roommate had a knack for hurting my feelings...) I would go into these fits of rage where I would just pray for God's help to remove the pain and suffering behind whatever was causing the rage and anger I was feeling...I wanted to rip this man's head off and feed it to him. I wanted to murder him! So many times he hurt me emotionally or would talk down to me in a tone I didn't like! I was so fragile I could barely handle it! I could not move I didn't have the money or means. (Still don't) I would call my sponsor and pray and eventually I would hit this spot inside of me where God would enter and my heart would soften and I would just cry and weep tears of grief for what had happened to me all of the years before when men alike had made fun of me and talked down to me like my step father had treated me so poorly when I was a child...I would cry for my child inside of me all these layers of pain and grief I had stored up inside like strata in the earth's crust holding back the lava from bursting forth and spilling over. I always thought that all this pain I had buried inside was like that and that somehow it would kill me and that if I just hid from it and denied it and just ran from it that somehow it would disappear...Instead it built layers upon layers of more pain and held back a damn of pain that someday I would have to feel... I guess this is my season to feel the pain. I would always tell or even ask my friend Steven, "Why do I have to cry like this?" He would say, " I don't know. But God has a reason for it." I have cried almost every day, it has to be 7 months now. There's been some days more recently in the past few months that I have missed, which I guess means I must be getting better! But almost every day I cry. I guess I could be running from God the way I was so many years ago full steam ahead...But I am not today I am running toward God. One day at a time. I have an AA sponsor and an Al Anon sponsor too. I am going to keep writing in this journal. It helps me out. Hopefully someone reads this. I am on my 1st step in AA It is going well. Oh the voices have gotten better. I felt much more whole today than I have felt in a very long time!

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