It's a Dog Day - Evening
It's been a while since my last post. I been doing a lot of inner child - loving parent work. Also I have been living with a man who reminds me of my abusive step father. So it has been very difficult to live here. My inner child has become or maybe I have as an inner loving parent to him, become more sensitive to his needs of protection. So when ever this man comes home to the house I instantly get triggered and my inner child will go into a flashback bringing me with him. So the inner loving parent who is there to reassure him, that everything is okay, is not there really and hasn't been for a long time. I didn't grow up with any protective parents. My mother did not protect me from my abusive step father. She allowed it to continue. There were no reassuring words to sooth me and say, "hey, we are going to work something out to protect you from this violent abusive man with his raging temper." So now as an adult and an inner loving parent to these emerging children, with their emotions and feelings of pain and abandonment coming to the surface - actually I usually abandon them and that's where this feeling of abandonment comes from reminding me of the abandonment he felt as a child growing up witch was absolutely horrifying and extremely painful. So yes, I talked with my sponsor today. His name is David and he said that I need to communicate (I use the dominant hand and non dominant hand writing exercise) with my inner child and ask him if he trusts me or and feels safe with me and also ask him why if he says no. Try and be a loving parent with him and get to know him.
It is scary for me as I have never been a protective inner loving parent to anyone but my brother when the time called for it (like showing up to the guy who was bullying him to tell him to stop it). But never with kind words and love in an adult way. I have been an inner loving parent to myself and it has been successful very much so. But to learn what my inner child needs me to do to protect him and do it....I don't know, I think there's a lot of pain there to be let out by him and he wants to talk to me.
I had moments of blissful pain today. I felt it in my dying heart (in a good way). I was watching a movie called "Togo" and as I was watching it my inner child was there right with me and it was like I was seeing through his eyes at all the sick kids in the hospital and the laughing ones after they got well and immense feelings of joy mixed with grief and sadness filled my heart, as tears fell down my cheeks remembering what it felt like to be that age. Feeling so free and joyful and full of light and love and energy. It was a lovely experience to grieve these feelings and experience this with my inner child there. It was about a dog and his sled owner. I have an affinity for dogs and I happen to love one named Midi too who lives with me. So it was a very heartwarming movie and a tear jerker if you love dogs.
I am done with this for today. Please leave a comment with any questions or feedback. Thanks!