It's been a while since I have written anything in this journal.
Updated: Oct 23, 2020
It's been a while since I have written anything in this journal. I wanted to update it. I have been through a lot since my last entry. I have changed therapists. My last therapist wasn't working out. I have been in the BHU again. Another 72 hour hold. I voluntarily put myself in there. I became frightened about the suicidal thoughts I was having. They are never good. It's a long story and one I don't feel too safe telling here. But I was entertaining them for far too long. I had no plan or anything of the sort. But the loneliness and emotional pain associated with these thoughts and not to mention the extreme hopelessness I felt, didn't help either. So I checked myself in. It's a good thing to do so. I had a friend one time who was doing a panel on one of my last stays in the BHU say excitedly, "Hey Tobach good to see you! Looks like your taking a vacation heh?" I got offended from this comment and thought it quite insensitive to my current situation. I laughed anyway and tried to not show the pain I was feeling behind his comment.
Anyway I am doing much better now. I have a plan in mind as to what I need to do to get better. It involves action. Some of it I won't discuss here. But other parts I will: like a different therapist, more AA meetings (when I can get to them), being more of service (in and out of AA meetings), anything to get me out of myself basically. I have two illnesses: one is CPTSD or complex PTSD. I have all the symptoms behind it; emotional flashbacks and the like and the other is Alcoholism. I have to take care of both at the same time or it (my recovery) does not work. I need to be able to go to meetings. I have been having a hard time going to meetings lately I have lot of anxiety behind going to a meetings. I have had quite a few episodes, ie, panic attacks, emotional flashbacks, and anxiety attacks while at these meetings and on my way home from the meetings and on my way there. Not all the time though. But it still taints that place that I have had them at making it hard to go back to. As if that place has now a stain on it that says, "Warning! If you come back here, the same awful thing will happen again". It takes about a month or more for that stain to go away and my mind to settle down to where it doesn't view that as dangerous anymore. So I am going to try my best to go to more meetings. I also have been reading this book on CPTSD called CPTSD From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker. It is a very in depth book. I like it very much and it has been very helpful in my recovery process.
I am going to ACA ( Adult Children of Alcoholics) meetings now and it is very helpful too I really want to get their book so I can read it. I don't have the money yet to do so. I am working on getting a P/T job with the dept. of vocational rehabilitation. Also I think I might have gotten my transcripts from my old college which just closed, so I am excited about that too! I can finally go back to college and finish my degree! I have been struggling where I live to be honest and its not something I want to write about here but maybe for another time. When I get a P/T job I think things will be different. I barely make 1096$ a month and it all goes to bills and therapy each week. I barely have enough to spend on myself for fun at all. I can make 1200 extra a month on my SSDI and not lose it which is great. I will save up for a car! I have been living this way for so long it has become second nature almost. Well...yes it has become second nature, actually on second thought. I have had jobs and lost them over the past 15 or so years. I have been on Permanent Disability. One time I worked for 6 months and made 40$ and hour. I could not tell you where all that money went! I bought a truck and ate out every chance I got and spent money when ever I wanted, that's about it.
So I am on my way to better things slowly but surely it seems. The one thing I think I am struggling with lately is my conscious contact with God or my relationship with God, that too. I have a very hard time submitting myself every morning to Him, getting on my knees for example, and praying. I feel very frightened and intimidated to do this and I am not exactly sure why yet. There is a lot of resistance there. I think there's a lot of pain from my past that I don't want to remember possibly. I had a lot of trouble over the past 15 or so years in my endeavors with God praying to Him and I think I gave up somewhere toward the middle of that especially on my knees. I think I got very angry at Him for it. I could possibly still be angry at Him for that. It is hard to tell though. It was suggested I do some journaling on it and see where that led. I also have a hard time just praying to Him in times of duress or when I am in a lot of fear. I seem to become so frightened that I get into this mental state where I believe I cannot pray to Him and I shouldn't either. I know... sounds odd but It is like there is something I am afraid of about doing just that and I don't know where that comes from as of yet. I think I might be afraid of making things worse off for me and becoming further from Him after praying or dissociating afterward. I know that has happened before when I am in that much fear as I usually am when I am unable to pray to Him. It is almost like I am paralyzed in fear and there's not enough room in my mind to even mutter a single prayer for fear of screwing up what serenity I already have. I finished my 5th almost and decided to recap my 2nd and 3rd steps. 2nd= "Came to believe a power greater than yourself could restore you to sanity", and 3rd, "Made a decision to turn your will and your life over to the care of your higher power as you understand your higher power." It has been very helpful. I don't cry every day if you read the last excerpt I wrote. It has improved a great deal. I still mourn (which is a great healing part of CPTSD recovery I found out) but not nearly as much as I was 5 months ago. It seems like a lot longer than 5 months ago. I have grown so much since then! Things with my roommate have improved a great deal and I am much more comfortable living here and rarely have rage attacks any more. Thank God!
Anyway all of this is good stuff, I can't wait to see what kind of a job I will get and I hope therapy goes well! I will keep writing in this journal from time to time. I hope I keep up with it. Maybe someone will read it actually someday haha. Thanks to whomever has already. I hope it has helped out. Let me know what I can write more about if you think there's room for improvement. Thanks! Until later, ciao!