• Tobach Nigh

Kidney Stones Are Rad!

10/25/2020 2:17pm

Hi. So yesterday I had an interesting and yet very painful experience. The night before I want to add firstly that I was able to do some inner child work and as a loving parent allow my inner child to tell me how panful it was growing up and experiencing the memory of having my abusive step father throw away my inner child's treasured belongings in the trash. It was very powerful and I grieved very deep. It was cleansing and cathartic. So I had this experience (and ate a huge meal too). So I wake up the next morning (yesterday) and I have this pain in my back and it is like, "did I just stretch a muscle in my back or something??" So as the morning goes on I usually start getting in a lot of feelings of unsafety and intense regressions from my childhood. So I start to feel this back pain go into my left side and it is like, "okay, is this like emotional pain I am feeling really intensely in my body now on my left side??" I didn't know what was going on...Was it my back? Was it emotional too? So I took some Advil and tried to lay down on my back, summoned my inner loving parent, it was all very confusing. The pain just kept intensifying. By this point I was in some really intense pain and was wondering if it was coming from my kidney or liver or something there on my left side. So I looked for bruises! Nope, no bruises... I felt this burning now there and the pain just kept getting worse. I thought of calling 911...But my ego I guess thought otherwise or my pride and I was afraid of all the negative attention I might get having the paramedics come and ride me away in this small neighborhood I live in. So I got my keys and drove my aching body to the Urgent Care off Calgrove. Bout a 20 min drive.

I get there and didn't have to wait too long as someone didn't show up before me and I got whisked away into the room and before going there I contacted my mother who is a retired nurse of 30 years. She had said it sounds like it could be a kidney stone and this put some of my fears to rest. As I was in a lot of fear of the unknown. So they ordered an ultrasound, blood tests, put an IV in me and some pain meds, also some x-rays, and I think that might have been it but it seems like there might have been one other thing I was missing. Any who I had to lay down with the IV in my arm (I am afraid of needles...) and relax until the Tylenol hit me which helped for about 20 minutes, then the pain returned and intensified even more... I got up and had already done one ultrasound. This time they wanted another because they could not see any kidney stones...Something was blocking the ultrasound from seeing them if they were there. But they said there were signs of a kidney stone or stones being there. So I did another with a cranky older woman whom, "needed to be in ACA", I thought, and again they could not see anything but they were pretty positive there were stones in there. So I went back laid on the bed. I had been in pain now for well over two hours...A lot of pain; also waiting for the results. The only thing bringing me comfort was laying on the bed with that IV in my arm... I honestly thought of the pain a pregnant woman must go through during labor and how awful that must be for them and just how painful that must be...Haha, how funny to think that. Also I thought of other people who have had them and now I was one of them and lived long enough to finally get one and I would be able to tell the tale...

So The Doctor who had very pretty eyes behind her super mask: it looked like some sort of metal mask from the future with rubber underneath it to help cushion it. With ventilators on the sides and even little lights or what looked like lights. Very high tech...She wasn't gonna get any virus. Neither from the present or from the future! So she tells me that with this information that these stones I most likely have, that they could be obstructed or really big and stuck as I just said, so it would be best, as inferred by her tone, that I aught to go and get a CT scan down in panorama city at the Kaiser there. Now I have been here like 5 hours. So okay, I don't want to be in any more pain. They say someone aught to drive my sorry butt to there. I call my mother and see if she can contact my sister or brother. She mentions my step father. I say no way. She offers to take me. But my obstinate soul is already on my way down there hoping I wont get in any more serious pain that I suddenly jerk and hit a moving car on my way down there.

So, I make it and get into the ER and talk to a young doctor who sounds a little like a game show host (I think he needs ACA (false self)) It bugs me a bit, adding to my discomfort I am having with the pain and just the hypervigilance I am experiencing with all of this excitement of going through this new experience. I think to myself (most likely judging him harshly) about the doctor later, as I am waiting on the results of the CT scan, that he sounds like a younger version of who I used to be back in the day: Young and confident or at least seeming to be (except i think he actually is - he's a doctor). I think he probably has a family and they all wanted him to excel and be something and he excelled at school and judging by the way he talks he was popular with his friends. He sounds kind of like a guys guy. Not too "overly sensitive". Anyway I think to myself I guess and maybe I wish I could of had something like that...Then the thought quickly fades away as I come back to reality and realize that i am just me and am mostly okay with that in the moment.

So the nurse gives me some more pain meds and IV fluid and I keep asking him if I can drink some water so I can take my medication which I am past due: two hours and he says no, no, you can't in case you need surgery...I am like, "wtf!" Sooo, that frightens me quite a bit. I think being in ACA and all the work I have done has helped me to be able to confront these intense fears and become this inner loving parent to myself. This had been very helpful. I did just that. I became that. I might have called on him by saying simply: "Inner loving parent". Then Immediately my frightened inner child was soothed and more calming thoughts of , "they said it's only a kidney stone, that's it. If you have to have surgery you will. But I guarantee you wont. Its going to be all right. You are okay. Watch and see." Stuff like that. It sucks I live 100+ miles away from my friends in San Diego. I couldn't call on them for support.

Anyway the results came in and I was told that it was a 6mm kidney stone and it would pass! I was so relieved... Also I was exhausted and I needed a cigarette!!! So as I drove home I was still hypervigilant as I was not in a familiar neighborhood and I didn't deem it too safe. It took me a while to come out of this hypervigilant place and come back into my body afterward when I had gotten home...It's amazing how long and used to being outside of my body. I spent my whole life outside of my body. If I dared go inside I would have to face the pain and feelings there. So I ran as far away as I could.

So here I was at home and waiting to pass a kidney stone. This was a long write and read. written more like an informative story. Hopefully it was somewhat entertaining. if anyone read it. If you did. Please leave a comment and tell me what you think! Thanks!

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