My day today.
Updated: Dec 1, 2022
Well I have been telling my friends that I am in a state of crisis: emotionally, mentally, and also spiritually. This is how it feels a lot of the time. Actually I feel like I have been in this state for a very long time and really just haven't been aware of it until now. I kind of blame it a bit on my psych meds I am taking as they inhibit t my ability to think and feel a lot. There have been many, many times where i have been in this place emotionally where it's like I have wanted to feel these feelings and I can tell there is something chemically going on that is stopping me from allowing the pain that 'should' come up from coming up and out through my tear ducts and my heart. Out, out, out! Grief ugh years and years, layers and layers, of just stuff buried from my childhood, my teen years, and my unprocessed adult years. I have had moments where my body shakes. It is quiet disturbing. I have gotten used to it. Its like the trauma is stuck in my body and has no where to go. or my hands shake. I have to accept it and not try and make it go away for fear of what people 9strangers) will think of me. I have been practicing being my own loving parent now which is a whole other thing. I am looking forward to going to these inner loving parent check in meetings on Zoom where I can see other adult children in recovery inner parenting themselves in the meeting out loud. I did that the other day with some friends after a ACA meeting and found it very helpful. I am going to talk to my psych tomorrow about my problems with that I am having with my meds. Also I have been having dizzy spells :O This stuff is so intense. It is no joke. I am realizing how dependent I am on others to like tell me how I'm doing....I think it is co-dependency ....The inner parenting i've been doing has been helpful. I have a really long way to go. I am just kind of taking it a moment at a time really ....tears come and go...grief comes and goes....I'm grateful for the tears they are healing.