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  • Tobach Nigh

My Life Lately with Trauma

Updated: Dec 1, 2022

Hi my names Tobach and I have CPTSD, am an adult child of dysfunctional family..... I am also codependent too... I have been having a very hard time being present lately....Like just trying to be present and in the moment.... This has been something that has eluded me for a very long time...21 years ago I had very profound spiritual awakening in my mid 20's while I was working my recovery in Alcoholics Anonymous. I also was taking Ativan as prescribed by a Dr. at the time to help with the overwhelming panic attacks I had been having for a number of years that became worse after getting sober off alcohol. To make a long story short, I had done a lot of things in order (not to make this happen) in order for these thing to come about by God's grace-who I have been very angry at for many years. Around the time my awesome spiritual advisor who was acting as a stand in sponsor decided he wasn't going to be as available to me. I took a nose dive and later in the year would hit a very traumatic bottom- mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. I didn't go out and drink ... I am still recovering from this today 22 years later. So Anyway I don't know where I as going with this but basically I have a really hard time connecting with God, as I call him or a higher power, as I remember Him, and as a part of me still understands Him. I am on 5 different types of psychiatric meds to deal with the anxiety, mood swings, and flashbacks I have. I have stopped working for the past month and a half as a result of = too many things to list. Things could be worse....I could have no food in my fridge, no place to sleep, no car, no electricity etc.... I'm not too sure I would trade feeling whole though for those things or maybe I would though actually now that I think about.

I wanted to write about something profound and insightful....But honestly this month, these last three months have been like a hellish rollercoaster....I know people want to hear about positive stuff to help them maintain there lives or point them in a better direction. Lately the direction my life has been going in is like this emotionally painful, skyrocket rollercoaster of depression, anxiety, elation, tears, grief, rage, sadness, envy, joy, lust, dissociation, depersonalization, feeling disconnected from life and myself, feeling a part of, so say up and down I guess wouldn't be enough. Anyway I don't want to bore whoever might read this, if anyone. So I might write more tomorrow since I have been seeing more people visit my site...Trying to keep up to date!

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