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  • Tobach Nigh

Over a Year

Updated: Oct 23, 2020

10-22-2020

Today over a year after writing my last bog here I am going to Adult Children of Alcoholics Anonymous, a 12 step program that is helping me out very much. It is very hard to do as I have had to go through a lot of grief surrounding my past trauma in my childhood growing up; the pain, abandonment I felt by my mother and the immense loneliness I had gone through also during the ages of 6-15. Actually during my drinking and using days I had some strong bouts of loneliness I suffered that I had also covered up. It's all about getting in touch with my inner loving parent now and learning to love all these childhood parts of me that never got the love they needed from my parents growing up. Lots of that created who I became today and a lot of my actions behind all of that. Same with them, and it was passed down through generations of alcoholism, drug addiction, trauma, and dysfunctional behavior. So I have been learning a lot from my sponsor and going to the ACA meetings and reading the literature. There has been a lot of grief work I have had to walk through. These parts of me that need to feel the bottled up pain from the years of abuse and neglect I had stored up inside of me as a child. So much grief I have felt over these past - well this past year. But especially this past week. It has been really hard. My inner parent has been putting my inner adolescent as the parent and it has been exhausting on him and I have felt the need to seek spiritual guidance from a priest. David, my sponsor, tells me that really its about becoming a stronger inner loving parent and that way I actually become more in touch with God. I tend to believe him. I am afraid of that but also excited about it too. It is very tough work but rewarding. My inner adolescent and child have stored up a lot of past pain over my lifetime especially over my mothers lack of protection and emotional incest she put on me and my step fathers emotional and physical abuse. I feel more at peace when my inner loving parent is present and more whole inside and connected to the ground. I think that is when I have actually felt the presence of God near me for the first time in like 20 years. I am grateful for ACA and I am doing step one . There are some questions I have to answer. It is pretty thorough. Also, I quit going to AA for now as my inner child was horrified and didn't feel safe at all attending the meetings there. So I chose to protect him. He needs a lot of safety right now so he can heal. I have grown a lot since coming to ACA and doing the recovery work I have been doing. I am glad for it. I also have stopped visits with my mother and my step father mostly my step father. There's too much pain there to allow my inner child to be around. It has helped. But again I live in a toxic place right now. Three roommates and not a lot of communication or any of the type of recovery I am going through to talk about. Most of my support system lives in San Diego. I go to San Diego ACA Zoom meetings. I have been thinking of moving to San Diego possibly in the near future. I am hoping this stimulus package will pass soon so I can get the extra money, so I can move out of this place I live in. Also, I am living off my credit cards right now. Not good. Signing off!

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