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  • Tobach Nigh

Some Homework

Updated: Oct 23, 2020

10-14-2019

Well my therapist gave me some homework last Friday. To write down my traumas and to do mindful exercises every morning when I wake up first thing. I am finding it hard to do them first thing when I wake up in the morning. I get into a lot of fear right off the get go. Usually there's a lot of anger toward my roommates about who is up first (in my way in the morning) then I become fearful of the anger and then become fearful of everything that comes after that ...my day, the unknown, my thoughts, not praying, getting on my knees to pray, not getting on my knees to pray, etc, etc...My thoughts seems to race around and I reach for my medication quickly. I prayed this morning right when I opened my eyes and asked God for help. My lack of meetings I am sure isn't helping any. I have been for a long time getting into a lot of anticipatory fear about going to meetings; afraid I will have another panic attack and be trapped at the meetings, like happened a couple times when I went before in the past. When those horrible events happen they stick with me for months on end and are very hard to let go of it takes months for them to dislodge in my brain and for me to go back to the same place where I had the attacks to "start over" again on my AA meeting recovery process at Stepping Stones Meeting Hall. Maybe if I go to a different meeting place? It seems like there's always someone or something about AA meetings that triggers me during the meeting or scares me shitless about just being in the meeting in the first place. Not all the time but like half the time I am guessing. It has gotten much better though since over a year ago when I couldn't and wouldn't step foot into 1 meeting at all for the life of me! So there's been a lot of growth there in this past year. I at least go to one meeting regularly every Sunday. A big book study with my sponsor, with a group of men, all sponsored by one person or another: a sponsor - sponsee meeting. It's a big family meeting :) lots of food, love and fellowship. I haven't felt comfortable enough to open up much and share about my past but it hasn't gotten to that point yet really because of the nature of the meetings mostly. It took me a long time 7 months to be exact, to feel as comfortable as I do now going to that meeting. I was scared to death at first but my sponsor assured me that I was safe there and loved and no one was going to hurt me or treat me wrongly, which is what I was afraid of.

I was taken advantage of wrongly by some men in AA when I was 24 years old my first year sober. They tried to break me down and bend me to their will. My sponsor did at least and when I didn't bend to his will, the more they made fun of me and treated me poorly. I got real sick in that company and didn't leave when I should of honestly. Ultimately my sponsor told me that he thought I was "loaded" on my psych meds and that I needed to get off of them in order to properly get the program and get honest enough with myself in order to get the program and recover. I was in so much fear and didn't know what else to do. By this time I had substituted him and the rest of the men for my God which was working fine I thought until this point. So I got off my meds with my Dr.'s permission and I got very very sick and had panic attacks up the ying yang and was not stable in any sense of the term. I was delusional and so was my psych for not seeing that I was not ready to get off of my meds. I don't remember where my therapist was at this point. I think he left and went somewhere else and I was left without a therapist, so I had no-one to talk to maybe. It is hard to remember this part of my life as I have not talked a lot about it for a very very long time. I hope to talk more with my current therapist. There are some cobwebs that need sweeping in this brain of mine. I will type more of this some other time. For now I am going to take a break.

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